From the Onion News Network

At a press conference Wednesday, the San Francisco Sourdoughs and their absence from the World Series announced an agreement to a four-year contract extension, with an option for another six years. "The relationship between the Doughs’ and their Absence From The World Series is strong, as both sides have shown loyalty to each other for the past 6 years," Sourdoughs owner John Derasmo said. "It's something the fans have come to expect. Why, I remember sitting around the fire as a boy, talking with my grandfather about how that other team in that other league, the Cubs I think they called themselves, would never make it to another World Series.” Derasmo paused to chug a glass of water, which we later found out was Grey Goose, straight, in a tall glass. “I only hope my children and their children and their childdren's children have the same opportunity."

Despite rumors, Absence From The World Series would not admit to holding closed-door talks with the AltiDUDEs.